Titty titty bang BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wikipedia: NIPPLE:-

In its most general form, a nipple is a structure from which a fluid emanates. More specifically, it is the projection on the breasts or udder of a mammal by which breast milk is delivered to a mother's young. In this sense, it is often called a teat, especially when referring to non-humans, and the medical term used to refer to it is papilla. The rubber mouthpiece of a baby bottle or pacifier may also be referred to as a "nipple" or a "teat". In many cultures, female nipples are considered an erogenous zone and it is considered a public indecency to uncover them in public.

It has been 3 weeks since my last op, & during this time I've been getting acquainted with my new body part.. Yes say hello to my little friend... Monsieur Nipple!

You may be wondering why I have taken to using the opposite sex to describe my new papilla, let's just say in comparison to the other one (my own original nip) it looks, how can I put this... BLOODY HUGE! & manly. There I've said it, & now when anyone sees me please don't worry I won't be offended if u want a look, or if I casually find you glancing at the area.. Roll up, roll up come & see the one nippled (is that a word) woman..

Ok I am slightly exaggerating it isn't that bad but compared to the other one, it's very different. But I guess you can't have it all, & I should be feeling grateful & lucky I've managed to keep at least one, & that they've managed to reconstruct a fake one for me. Fake being the operative word.
See above:-
1) no breast milk being delivered anytime soon :(
2) no erogenous zone being found or used anytime soon.. Booooooo
3) no topless flashing anytime soon.. As it would still be indecent for me to get them out in public - yeay 2 out of 3 ain't bad!

Surgery was ok, recovery time was much quicker than before, & after a few days I was pretty much back to normal. Apart from being bruised & a bit battered (physically & emotionally), my stomach was black & blue from where they sucked the fat out. The nipple area is numb with no feeling or sensation anyway so that healed without any discomfort. It was my mind that took most of the assault this time, the healing process is definitely slower up there! but as someone once said to me "it don't go to your boots!"

I think going back into hospital where the first op was performed all those months ago brought back a lot of emotional baggage, not that it had ever gone away, it was just lurking at the back of my mind waiting to make the big debut & cause havoc... which is consequently what happened, home was definitely not where the heart was that week!

My recent bra & bikini shopping expedition was probably not the best of ideas, as the lingerie saleswoman in John Lewis could tell you. A full length mirror, no sexy, stylish, young masectomy bikinis on offer (there is a huge gap in the market if anyone wants to go into business with me?) back to Primarchė it is then... Found 2, great fit, shape & style for a bargain total of £8!

So mentally I'm doing better, physically I'm quite fine, I haven't been back to my Xtend barre class yet, which I'm devastated about but I don't want to push it. I kept off the dance floor at a party we went to last weekend, but - I was there, in a tight fitting dress, very high heels & feeling pretty good - it was dark no one noticed the nipple...

My scaring is pretty minimal (fab surgeon) & the lovely kind people at Bio Oil sent me a free sample :) so I will carry on using it to help improve the appearance of the scars & keep the skin soft & rehydrated, I've also started using it on my face to help smooth & tone, better than expensive face cream.

The next part of my journey is the nipple tattooing which is booked for the end of August, until then here's hoping for a little normality....

Just giving page

Made a mistake with hubbies just giving page - if you would like to donate pls go to www.virginmoneygiving.com/BradleyLeviton 

Many thanks x

Here we go again..

Thursday 30th May & 2 days to go before I'm back in hospital for the 2nd part of my reconstruction. For some reason I'm more nervous this time, even though I know it's a much smaller procedure, with a shorter recovery time & way less pain, but for some reason I have this worrying niggling feeling nestling in the depth of my stomach..

There is of course the anaesthetic to worry about, even though I will be having a lot less & be unconscious for a much shorter period, then there's the cost, as mentioned before my insurance company is only paying for the one breast! Then there's the recovery period at home with my little boy - what and how much will I be able to do?? So as you can see that little nub of anxiety floating around in my stomach/chest has every right to be there.

On the upside from Saturday night I will have not 1 but 2 nipples, woo hoo! & hopefully start to feel somewhat "normal" again...

Whilst writing I want to say a few thank you's. Firstly to my aunt Angela in Montreal for having us last week & what a wonderful time we had. My 96 year old grandma celebrated her birthday & 4 generations of us were there. Secondly to my mum & dad for supporting me in all I say & do - mum you are my right hand, my support system, my aupair, My ROCK! thank you for looking after Harry as much as you do & for always being there for us when we need you. Dad thank you for our special times together, our fun days out & for your constant love & affection. My wonderful mother in law Elaine, you surpass any stereotype & my appreciation for your help & love with our kids is endless.

Last but by no means least my wonderful, caring, supportive gorgeous FIT husband! I couldn't face another day without you helping me through it.. You truly are my bestest friend & I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do & put up with. Everyone please sponser my super athletic husband as he is taking part in the Virgin London Triathlon in July to raise money for Children with Cancer - www.justgiving.com/BradleyLeviton

To all of you reading this now, thank you for your continued support in reading & sharing this blog, you are all helping to raise awareness towards a life without breast cancer :)

Xxxx

Boobie saga part deux

It's been 4 months 6 days since my op & I'm once again back at the hospital for another check up & hopefully be given a date for the next part in my breast reconstruction.

This bit involves an overnight stay for the nipple to be reconstructed on the right breast & fat transference from my stomach & love handles (I requested that) to both breasts.

My smiley happy surgeon seems very pleased with my recovery & yeay can book me in next month, he suggests I have as little done to them as poss to reduce the risk of infection (so there goes the enlargement 'Katie Price' style tits I was hoping for... Damn!!!)

I've got one slightly bigger than the other (haven't we all??), so asked if he could even them up, he said with regard to recovery time, pain & reduced risk of infection (he keeps repeating this, slightly worrying) I should have as little surgery as possible done & not have them cut open again, so I'm listening to him, they're big enough as it is.. (well one is!!) Plus this fat transfer option sounds interesting & hopefully will even them up. Maybe I should ask him if I need to eat a few more cakes & chips this month in preparation???

I did however ask him again when & if the numbness was going to fade & if I'm going to get any feeling back ?? He said the same answer im sure he's said before, "probably not" . Oh ok then... He said something about over time the nerves in the top of the arm knit together first then work their way down towards the breast.. Husband made some joke about shaking my hand vigorously ... Ha ha bloody ha!

So Saturday June 1st I'm booked in & hopefully all will be a success - NO INFECTION!!

On another note I've started working out & enjoying a fab class called Xtend Barre @ The Wellness Centre www.wellnesscentreuk.com in Welwyn Gardnen City - I absolutely love it & my thighs are thanking me too! The wellness centre is a fab place for anyone recovering from an injury or surgery, & want to have a personal hands on approach to fitness & well being.

This week i've also been working with the Future Dreams charity in getting their twitter & facebook pages up & running, so please follow us on twitter @futuredreamss & our fb page: FutureDreams Charity - for all the up to date information on exciting forthcoming events.

Whilst i'm on the charity buzz my friend Abi is doing a collection of old bras for .. you guessed it.. Breast Cancer! Now I know I have many a bra in my drawer which has never fitted or def doesn't now!! So you must have too, & by doing this you are helping to raise vital funds for dedicated research to improve detection and survival. BCR Global Textiles who help small businesses in Africa, are preventing valuable textiles going to landfill & giving them a new lease of life in developing countries across Africa, where bra's remain too expensive to produce. BCR are donating £1,000 to research for every tonne of textiles they collect, that's only 9,000 bras! With over 30 million women in the UK we could really help make a difference! When you Donate your illfitting or unwanted underwear it will be whisked away to start a new life on the other side of the world, where traders support their families selling textiles locally. Successful ventures like this keep many families in developing countries out of poverty whilst providing employment for people at home in the UK. Any bras that are genuinely beyond redemption are dismantled and disposed of properly. Pls contact abiswerin@hotmail.co.uk for the address to send them too.

Last but not least a big huge thank you to the lovely ladies who made me feel confident, sexy & beautiful about myself again... Long time coming!! I had a fabulous day last week taking part in a glam photo shoot for the lovely Jaimie J salon - www.jaimiej.com - using extension professional hair - www.extensionprofessional.co.uk - with photos shot by the very talented Leanne Benson - www.leannebenson.com

Anyone thinking of having hair extensions this is who you need to see!

Whilst I'm writing I want to send big love out to my friend Lucy Pearl who is a massive inspiration to all that know her, & to tell her publicly how beautiful she looks!!!!

Have a nice few weeks & I'll let you know the outcome of boobie saga part deux!

Are you listening???

13 weeks since my op & pretty much everything is back to normal, well as normal as life can be beyond post preventative Breast Cancer surgery.

I use the term ‘beyond’ breast cancer in strict contrast to the term ‘after’ breast cancer. There’s no getting over it, pulling your socks up and getting back to before, because life as before isn’t there any more. At least, not the before that was before the word ‘Cancer’.

I just have to accept that now day to day life will involve that word. It will be there every day. It’s there when I bathe, it’s there when I look in the mirror, it’s my wardrobe, my sex life, it's in my conversations, on my twitter & Facebook, this blog & in the very depths of my being.

Last time I blogged I know I was whinging on about no one understanding how I felt & how everyone presumed I was all better just because I looked fine (amazing what a full head of highlights & a great mascara can do). I also said how I thought I needed therapy to help me through all of this, someone to wave their magic therapist wand & make me feel like me again. Well this time i'm gonna blog about still looking fabulous & feeling much much better with it, & i've only had one session! but in typical Joanna style that was enough.. let me explain..

I always presumed therapy was for people that needed help to talk about stuff, to sit & have a professional person do whatever it is they're trained to do to help people bring to the surface their deep dark thoughts that never normally get to see the light of day. Maybe they need this help because they have no one else to talk to, or maybe they just bottle everything up inside having done so for years & then find it difficult to open up & talk about what they're going through, their feelings, worries & fears etc..

That's not me.

As you've probably gathered I'm not one to mince my words, or find it difficult to share.. Never have done, if anything I find it hard to stop talking.. Like now!

So my first & only therapy session begins with me telling the very nice lady sitting opposite me my story, how I'm feeling, what upsets me, what worries me etc. The reaction I got was a room full of uncomfortable silence which caused me to babble on a bit more, until i've actually started to bore myself & she then tells me my time is up!

It probably would have been just as helpful to have sat in front of a mirror.

Maybe that's it, maybe I've counselled myself! What with this blog, my amazing husband, family & friends, the random emails & conversations with others in my position, friends of friends wanting to talk to me at parties, lunches, the street!!

Maybe I just don't need to share anymore, maybe I just needed to have the therapy to realise, I don't actually need it!

Maybe... Well I've got session 2 next week with someone else - just to make sure!

10 steps forward.. 20 steps back...

Week 10 that's where we are.. It seems a lot longer, I can't actually believe how well I now feel compared to how poorly I felt only 10 weeks ago!!

Unbelievable how quickly the body heals, how quickly you get back to normal, how quickly you forget the intensity of the pain, that feeling of constant aching, soreness & weakness, all gone in a matter of weeks.

It's amazing how in such a short space of time your strength is restored, your bruises fade & normality seeps back into your life as if she was never far away..

However, what replaces all of that, what hits you like a ton of bricks & takes over your mind, body & soul in abundance, is a cascading waterfall of self loathing, worry, & general sadness. Something that can only be described as mental realisation, emotional breakdown, bitterness & anger. Feelings that were pushed far away so that your mind could cope with the physical pain & anxiety it had thrust upon it - now leaving it wide & open to be saturated with... depression.

Now I personally don't think I'm that depressed, ok I cry once a day, everyday, but only for a few minutes, & I still laugh at stuff on the tv or husbands jokes. I try to get on with stuff/life (even though some days it's bloody hard to even get out of bed), without anyone knowing what's going on inside, so I'm in fact hiding my real emotions, I'm bottling it all up & I know from experience that there's only one way for it to come out & it ain't gonna be pretty.

It was bound to happen, I think when you're actually going through something, something so traumatic & awful, when your actually in it enduring the pain & suffering, you tend to deal with it. It's a case of fight or flight - toughen up & face it head on with positivity flowing through your veins, helping you to cope mentally & physically. Or lay down & give up (not a chance).

Added to that if you're lucky enough to be surrounded by family & friends, looking after you, helping you, making a fuss of you. It tends to make the reality slightly blurred, slightly foggy, slightly un realistic. Then when you're faced with it again on your own that's when your actual feelings, the ones you were supposed to have, set in.

Sooooooo that's where I am, i'm going to take a stand & take advantage of the advice & help offered. I've made an appointment to start having counselling, because as strong as I think I am, I can't do this alone, I need a bit of help in taking those 10 steps forward again!!

Life goes on....

6 weeks & counting! Still living at my mums.. Thought I'd be strong enough by now & my house would be ready to move into but alas no. 1 more week to go then I'm on my own. No more grandma to help at breakfast (so I can have an extra hour in bed), no more grandma to help at bathtime (so I can go have a lie down before I fall down), no more grandma to help at 3/5/6 am wake up calls whilst I sleep soundly in the other room.. Tell me again why I want to leave... ??????

It all has to come to an end, we've been thoroughly spoilt with this help on tap & my poor mum is ready for a breakdown! So back to reality & standing on my own 2 feet.

Meanwhile i've been keeping busy as life still goes on - nursery runs, play dates & parties (a 2 year old with a very full social life), and me well I've been focussing on creating something positive out of this negative situation.. Tonight i'm off to a committee meeting for Future Dreams charity with regard to a big fundraiser they're planning, last week I had an interview with the JC newspaper 'telling my story' so hoping that will go to print, & also waiting on a call back regarding a media volunteering programme for Breakthrough Breast Cancer.

However there still is no getting away from the fact only 6 weeks ago I had major surgery, I had a double mastectomy, & part of my body is just not my own. Pushing it to the back of your mind, or trying to be positive is fine, but even that's difficult to do 24/7. So I've made an earlier hospital appointment for Monday just to check everything is healing ok, as I think not, maybe I'm just being paranoid or over cautious, but as previous experience has shown me, better to be safe than sorry!

I just want to mention my new friend to be Bex ;) I know she's reading this, & writing her own blog - bexbeer.com - "Everyday a positive thought" - Cancer really does affect us all in many different ways... sending strength & love your way, you incredibly brave girl!!

I know I keep saying it but please check yourselves girls & boys!!

Please read, follow & share these blogs, to help raise awareness in the fight towards a cancer free world.