Sunday, 17 March 2013

10 steps forward.. 20 steps back...

Week 10 that's where we are.. It seems a lot longer, I can't actually believe how well I now feel compared to how poorly I felt only 10 weeks ago!!

Unbelievable how quickly the body heals, how quickly you get back to normal, how quickly you forget the intensity of the pain, that feeling of constant aching, soreness & weakness, all gone in a matter of weeks.

It's amazing how in such a short space of time your strength is restored, your bruises fade & normality seeps back into your life as if she was never far away..

However, what replaces all of that, what hits you like a ton of bricks & takes over your mind, body & soul in abundance, is a cascading waterfall of self loathing, worry, & general sadness. Something that can only be described as mental realisation, emotional breakdown, bitterness & anger. Feelings that were pushed far away so that your mind could cope with the physical pain & anxiety it had thrust upon it - now leaving it wide & open to be saturated with... depression.

Now I personally don't think I'm that depressed, ok I cry once a day, everyday, but only for a few minutes, & I still laugh at stuff on the tv or husbands jokes. I try to get on with stuff/life (even though some days it's bloody hard to even get out of bed), without anyone knowing what's going on inside, so I'm in fact hiding my real emotions, I'm bottling it all up & I know from experience that there's only one way for it to come out & it ain't gonna be pretty.

It was bound to happen, I think when you're actually going through something, something so traumatic & awful, when your actually in it enduring the pain & suffering, you tend to deal with it. It's a case of fight or flight - toughen up & face it head on with positivity flowing through your veins, helping you to cope mentally & physically. Or lay down & give up (not a chance).

Added to that if you're lucky enough to be surrounded by family & friends, looking after you, helping you, making a fuss of you. It tends to make the reality slightly blurred, slightly foggy, slightly un realistic. Then when you're faced with it again on your own that's when your actual feelings, the ones you were supposed to have, set in.

Sooooooo that's where I am, i'm going to take a stand & take advantage of the advice & help offered. I've made an appointment to start having counselling, because as strong as I think I am, I can't do this alone, I need a bit of help in taking those 10 steps forward again!!