13 weeks since my op & pretty much everything is back to normal, well as normal as life can be beyond post preventative Breast Cancer surgery.
I use the term ‘beyond’ breast cancer in strict contrast to the term ‘after’ breast cancer. There’s no getting over it, pulling your socks up and getting back to before, because life as before isn’t there any more. At least, not the before that was before the word ‘Cancer’.
I just have to accept that now day to day life will involve that word. It will be there every day. It’s there when I bathe, it’s there when I look in the mirror, it’s my wardrobe, my sex life, it's in my conversations, on my twitter & Facebook, this blog & in the very depths of my being.
Last time I blogged I know I was whinging on about no one understanding how I felt & how everyone presumed I was all better just because I looked fine (amazing what a full head of highlights & a great mascara can do). I also said how I thought I needed therapy to help me through all of this, someone to wave their magic therapist wand & make me feel like me again. Well this time i'm gonna blog about still looking fabulous & feeling much much better with it, & i've only had one session! but in typical Joanna style that was enough.. let me explain..
I always presumed therapy was for people that needed help to talk about stuff, to sit & have a professional person do whatever it is they're trained to do to help people bring to the surface their deep dark thoughts that never normally get to see the light of day. Maybe they need this help because they have no one else to talk to, or maybe they just bottle everything up inside having done so for years & then find it difficult to open up & talk about what they're going through, their feelings, worries & fears etc..
That's not me.
As you've probably gathered I'm not one to mince my words, or find it difficult to share.. Never have done, if anything I find it hard to stop talking.. Like now!
So my first & only therapy session begins with me telling the very nice lady sitting opposite me my story, how I'm feeling, what upsets me, what worries me etc. The reaction I got was a room full of uncomfortable silence which caused me to babble on a bit more, until i've actually started to bore myself & she then tells me my time is up!
It probably would have been just as helpful to have sat in front of a mirror.
Maybe that's it, maybe I've counselled myself! What with this blog, my amazing husband, family & friends, the random emails & conversations with others in my position, friends of friends wanting to talk to me at parties, lunches, the street!!
Maybe I just don't need to share anymore, maybe I just needed to have the therapy to realise, I don't actually need it!
Maybe... Well I've got session 2 next week with someone else - just to make sure!
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
Sunday, 17 March 2013
10 steps forward.. 20 steps back...
Week 10 that's where we are.. It seems a lot longer, I can't actually believe how well I now feel compared to how poorly I felt only 10 weeks ago!!
Unbelievable how quickly the body heals, how quickly you get back to normal, how quickly you forget the intensity of the pain, that feeling of constant aching, soreness & weakness, all gone in a matter of weeks.
It's amazing how in such a short space of time your strength is restored, your bruises fade & normality seeps back into your life as if she was never far away..
However, what replaces all of that, what hits you like a ton of bricks & takes over your mind, body & soul in abundance, is a cascading waterfall of self loathing, worry, & general sadness. Something that can only be described as mental realisation, emotional breakdown, bitterness & anger. Feelings that were pushed far away so that your mind could cope with the physical pain & anxiety it had thrust upon it - now leaving it wide & open to be saturated with... depression.
Now I personally don't think I'm that depressed, ok I cry once a day, everyday, but only for a few minutes, & I still laugh at stuff on the tv or husbands jokes. I try to get on with stuff/life (even though some days it's bloody hard to even get out of bed), without anyone knowing what's going on inside, so I'm in fact hiding my real emotions, I'm bottling it all up & I know from experience that there's only one way for it to come out & it ain't gonna be pretty.
It was bound to happen, I think when you're actually going through something, something so traumatic & awful, when your actually in it enduring the pain & suffering, you tend to deal with it. It's a case of fight or flight - toughen up & face it head on with positivity flowing through your veins, helping you to cope mentally & physically. Or lay down & give up (not a chance).
Added to that if you're lucky enough to be surrounded by family & friends, looking after you, helping you, making a fuss of you. It tends to make the reality slightly blurred, slightly foggy, slightly un realistic. Then when you're faced with it again on your own that's when your actual feelings, the ones you were supposed to have, set in.
Sooooooo that's where I am, i'm going to take a stand & take advantage of the advice & help offered. I've made an appointment to start having counselling, because as strong as I think I am, I can't do this alone, I need a bit of help in taking those 10 steps forward again!!
Unbelievable how quickly the body heals, how quickly you get back to normal, how quickly you forget the intensity of the pain, that feeling of constant aching, soreness & weakness, all gone in a matter of weeks.
It's amazing how in such a short space of time your strength is restored, your bruises fade & normality seeps back into your life as if she was never far away..
However, what replaces all of that, what hits you like a ton of bricks & takes over your mind, body & soul in abundance, is a cascading waterfall of self loathing, worry, & general sadness. Something that can only be described as mental realisation, emotional breakdown, bitterness & anger. Feelings that were pushed far away so that your mind could cope with the physical pain & anxiety it had thrust upon it - now leaving it wide & open to be saturated with... depression.
Now I personally don't think I'm that depressed, ok I cry once a day, everyday, but only for a few minutes, & I still laugh at stuff on the tv or husbands jokes. I try to get on with stuff/life (even though some days it's bloody hard to even get out of bed), without anyone knowing what's going on inside, so I'm in fact hiding my real emotions, I'm bottling it all up & I know from experience that there's only one way for it to come out & it ain't gonna be pretty.
It was bound to happen, I think when you're actually going through something, something so traumatic & awful, when your actually in it enduring the pain & suffering, you tend to deal with it. It's a case of fight or flight - toughen up & face it head on with positivity flowing through your veins, helping you to cope mentally & physically. Or lay down & give up (not a chance).
Added to that if you're lucky enough to be surrounded by family & friends, looking after you, helping you, making a fuss of you. It tends to make the reality slightly blurred, slightly foggy, slightly un realistic. Then when you're faced with it again on your own that's when your actual feelings, the ones you were supposed to have, set in.
Sooooooo that's where I am, i'm going to take a stand & take advantage of the advice & help offered. I've made an appointment to start having counselling, because as strong as I think I am, I can't do this alone, I need a bit of help in taking those 10 steps forward again!!
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
Life goes on....
6 weeks & counting! Still living at my mums.. Thought I'd be strong enough by now & my house would be ready to move into but alas no. 1 more week to go then I'm on my own. No more grandma to help at breakfast (so I can have an extra hour in bed), no more grandma to help at bathtime (so I can go have a lie down before I fall down), no more grandma to help at 3/5/6 am wake up calls whilst I sleep soundly in the other room.. Tell me again why I want to leave... ??????
It all has to come to an end, we've been thoroughly spoilt with this help on tap & my poor mum is ready for a breakdown! So back to reality & standing on my own 2 feet.
Meanwhile i've been keeping busy as life still goes on - nursery runs, play dates & parties (a 2 year old with a very full social life), and me well I've been focussing on creating something positive out of this negative situation.. Tonight i'm off to a committee meeting for Future Dreams charity with regard to a big fundraiser they're planning, last week I had an interview with the JC newspaper 'telling my story' so hoping that will go to print, & also waiting on a call back regarding a media volunteering programme for Breakthrough Breast Cancer.
However there still is no getting away from the fact only 6 weeks ago I had major surgery, I had a double mastectomy, & part of my body is just not my own. Pushing it to the back of your mind, or trying to be positive is fine, but even that's difficult to do 24/7. So I've made an earlier hospital appointment for Monday just to check everything is healing ok, as I think not, maybe I'm just being paranoid or over cautious, but as previous experience has shown me, better to be safe than sorry!
I just want to mention my new friend to be Bex ;) I know she's reading this, & writing her own blog - bexbeer.com - "Everyday a positive thought" - Cancer really does affect us all in many different ways... sending strength & love your way, you incredibly brave girl!!
I know I keep saying it but please check yourselves girls & boys!!
Please read, follow & share these blogs, to help raise awareness in the fight towards a cancer free world.
It all has to come to an end, we've been thoroughly spoilt with this help on tap & my poor mum is ready for a breakdown! So back to reality & standing on my own 2 feet.
Meanwhile i've been keeping busy as life still goes on - nursery runs, play dates & parties (a 2 year old with a very full social life), and me well I've been focussing on creating something positive out of this negative situation.. Tonight i'm off to a committee meeting for Future Dreams charity with regard to a big fundraiser they're planning, last week I had an interview with the JC newspaper 'telling my story' so hoping that will go to print, & also waiting on a call back regarding a media volunteering programme for Breakthrough Breast Cancer.
However there still is no getting away from the fact only 6 weeks ago I had major surgery, I had a double mastectomy, & part of my body is just not my own. Pushing it to the back of your mind, or trying to be positive is fine, but even that's difficult to do 24/7. So I've made an earlier hospital appointment for Monday just to check everything is healing ok, as I think not, maybe I'm just being paranoid or over cautious, but as previous experience has shown me, better to be safe than sorry!
I just want to mention my new friend to be Bex ;) I know she's reading this, & writing her own blog - bexbeer.com - "Everyday a positive thought" - Cancer really does affect us all in many different ways... sending strength & love your way, you incredibly brave girl!!
I know I keep saying it but please check yourselves girls & boys!!
Please read, follow & share these blogs, to help raise awareness in the fight towards a cancer free world.
Thursday, 7 February 2013
Alternative therapies rock!
It's been 5 weeks today since my op & I'm happy to say i'm most definitely over the worst. This week for the first time I haven't felt that sore or achy, even though my boobs by 6pm feel like pumped up balloons ready to explode off my chest (swelling & fluid), & I get these random piercing shooting pains between the skin & implant (the nerves knitting together), but compared to how I felt 2 weeks ago it's bloody brilliant!
So today as there is no complaints, I'm going to tell you about the fantastic alternative treatment I've been having. The Lymphatic drainage massage at Chai Cancer Care in Hendon which I have mentioned before, is definitely helping to drain the fluid naturally back into my body, & my therapists soft gentle touch is just delightful. Who knew that your Lymphatic vessels are positioned just under your skin & feather like pressure is all you need to open them. Every woman should go for Lymphatic draining (or look it up on internet how to do it yourself), as lymph nodes are important in the proper functioning of the immune system, & rids your breasts of any excess fluid that can cause aches, pains, & who knows what else...
On Wednesday I had some spiritual healing by my very kind, beautiful friend Nicola Novack - nicola@novack.co.uk - an experience which I can only describe as INTENSE, AMAZING & POWERFUL! After my treatment she gave me an Amethyst crystal (for protection) to wear at all times in my bra (whatever works). I highly recommend anyone who is poorly or just not feeling right no matter how big or small the problem, make an appointment & hopefully get some comfort.
The best news of all happened just this morning, for the first time since I said goodbye to him the night before going into hospital, I had proper cuddles with my little boy, a real body to body clench & it was wonderful. Those little things like carrying & hugging him that I took for granted, I have missed so much. Although I doubt he's noticed as everyone else has been so full on with him, but as his mummy it has been very hard on me.
As I'm feeling so much better I think I'll start driving again, maybe tomorrow.. my friends have had a baby & I'm desperate to visit them. Huge congrats mama & dada Swerin!xxx
Last & by no means least a massive thank you to my mum - best nurse ever! for looking after me & taking such good care of us, it's been emotional - but i'm soooooo looking forward to going back to my own (newly refurbished) home next week, how exciting!
Once I'm back home, back to reality & back to thankfully getting on with the rest of my cancer free life (until my next check up in 5 weeks), I can hopefully start to see this blip as a distant memory. In the meantime I will continue to enhance my being, whilst using the enjoyable, alternative, homeopathic & spiritual therapies, as they totally rock!!!
So today as there is no complaints, I'm going to tell you about the fantastic alternative treatment I've been having. The Lymphatic drainage massage at Chai Cancer Care in Hendon which I have mentioned before, is definitely helping to drain the fluid naturally back into my body, & my therapists soft gentle touch is just delightful. Who knew that your Lymphatic vessels are positioned just under your skin & feather like pressure is all you need to open them. Every woman should go for Lymphatic draining (or look it up on internet how to do it yourself), as lymph nodes are important in the proper functioning of the immune system, & rids your breasts of any excess fluid that can cause aches, pains, & who knows what else...
On Wednesday I had some spiritual healing by my very kind, beautiful friend Nicola Novack - nicola@novack.co.uk - an experience which I can only describe as INTENSE, AMAZING & POWERFUL! After my treatment she gave me an Amethyst crystal (for protection) to wear at all times in my bra (whatever works). I highly recommend anyone who is poorly or just not feeling right no matter how big or small the problem, make an appointment & hopefully get some comfort.
The best news of all happened just this morning, for the first time since I said goodbye to him the night before going into hospital, I had proper cuddles with my little boy, a real body to body clench & it was wonderful. Those little things like carrying & hugging him that I took for granted, I have missed so much. Although I doubt he's noticed as everyone else has been so full on with him, but as his mummy it has been very hard on me.
As I'm feeling so much better I think I'll start driving again, maybe tomorrow.. my friends have had a baby & I'm desperate to visit them. Huge congrats mama & dada Swerin!xxx
Last & by no means least a massive thank you to my mum - best nurse ever! for looking after me & taking such good care of us, it's been emotional - but i'm soooooo looking forward to going back to my own (newly refurbished) home next week, how exciting!
Once I'm back home, back to reality & back to thankfully getting on with the rest of my cancer free life (until my next check up in 5 weeks), I can hopefully start to see this blip as a distant memory. In the meantime I will continue to enhance my being, whilst using the enjoyable, alternative, homeopathic & spiritual therapies, as they totally rock!!!
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
It's all about me...!
Trauma affects people in different ways, some relish it, can't do enough, need/want to be close or involved, others feel awkward, useless & prefer to stay away. Perhaps they're going through their own trauma & don't want to burden, or perhaps they just don't want to be made to feel any worse. Either way it's funny how the ones you want around are there & make a fuss & it makes you appreciate them & their friendship even more, & the ones that don't, well I have bigger fish to fry, more important things to think & worry about. I need to channel all my energies into coping day to day with the said trauma, whilst physically & mentally trying to heal.
So excuse me if I'm being a bit selfish at the moment but yes for now it is all about ME!
Anyway to everyone who is interested & does care.. I will keep you up to date with what's been going on, & my have I been busy!!
Firstly I went back to the hospital yesterday for a check up & my surgeon is very pleased. Everything's healing nicely, still a bit of fluid inside (hence why swollen & sore + I can feel the implants moving around.. YUK!!) but over time that will drain back into the body naturally, plus with the lymphatic drainage massage treatment I'm having at Chai Cancer Care http://www.chaicancercare.org (amazing place) it is starting to feel a lot easier. Then once the Stratis mesh joins with my skin, the implant will slot into place & then the whole breast will tighten & lift. I won't have the actual results of what it's all going to look like for about 3 months, as that's when everything should be settled, but if I'm still not happy they can be tweaked!! That's also when they will make & tattoo the nipple, but everything has to be completely healed & in its correct place - heaven forbid after all this I should have a wonky nipple! I still have to keep doing my exercises 3x a day & to come back & see him in 6 weeks!
After hearing all of that I'm feeling slightly better, now knowing that shallow as it might sound, I could have half decent boobs at the end of all this :)
Secondly last week I had some FANTASTIC news!! For those of you that don't know I'm a bit of a drama queen.... "Who me??? Never!!!!!" well in more sense than one, I actually sing, dance & act, have done for years, fully trained from a young age & belong to an AMAZING amateur dramatics company based in Finchley called 'Impact Theatre Company' - www.impacttheatre.org
For the past 10 years (give or take a few shows) I have fulfilled my performance potential & loved every minute of it, with this fabulous & talented group of people, with this year being no exception.
To my delight I received an email from the director telling us that our next show which will be in March next year, with auditions & rehearsals to start in September is going to be.......... "Grease"!!!!!!!!!! Now to some of you this might mean nothing, I hear you saying what's the big deal? But to those of you who know me well will understand this is a VERRRRY big deal, HUGE!!! Years of pent up Pink Ladies syndrome bubbling underneath the surface since the very first time I laid my eyes on John Travolta & Olivia Newton John in that 80's classic.. So to say I am beyond excited is an understatement. Plus I have something to focus on & to be completely healed & physically fit for.
I have also joined 'Tonights the Night' charity committee, who in conjunction with 'Future Dreams' -www.futuredreams.org.uk another charity close to my heart, both who do fantastic work to raise money for Breakthrough Breast Cancer, are taking on the fund raising aspect of the show, & together we are going to make lots of money, spread awareness & help strive towards a future without breast cancer!!!
Last but by no means least on Wednesday my gorgeous divine little chap turned 2 & we had a fab party for him at the weekend, with balloons, cake, presents, wonderful friends & the hugely talented Natasha @ Hartbeeps - www.hartbeeps.com who kept the littlens' & mummies gloriously entertained! Anyone who's thinking of having a birthday soon (obviously under the age of 5) you must book her!!! natasha@heartbeeps.com
As you can see I must be improving, but I'm going to carry on blogging, so please lovely people keep reading & sharing as this helps so many, but don't forget.....
IT IS ALL ABOUT ME!!!!! ;)
So excuse me if I'm being a bit selfish at the moment but yes for now it is all about ME!
Anyway to everyone who is interested & does care.. I will keep you up to date with what's been going on, & my have I been busy!!
Firstly I went back to the hospital yesterday for a check up & my surgeon is very pleased. Everything's healing nicely, still a bit of fluid inside (hence why swollen & sore + I can feel the implants moving around.. YUK!!) but over time that will drain back into the body naturally, plus with the lymphatic drainage massage treatment I'm having at Chai Cancer Care http://www.chaicancercare.org (amazing place) it is starting to feel a lot easier. Then once the Stratis mesh joins with my skin, the implant will slot into place & then the whole breast will tighten & lift. I won't have the actual results of what it's all going to look like for about 3 months, as that's when everything should be settled, but if I'm still not happy they can be tweaked!! That's also when they will make & tattoo the nipple, but everything has to be completely healed & in its correct place - heaven forbid after all this I should have a wonky nipple! I still have to keep doing my exercises 3x a day & to come back & see him in 6 weeks!
After hearing all of that I'm feeling slightly better, now knowing that shallow as it might sound, I could have half decent boobs at the end of all this :)
Secondly last week I had some FANTASTIC news!! For those of you that don't know I'm a bit of a drama queen.... "Who me??? Never!!!!!" well in more sense than one, I actually sing, dance & act, have done for years, fully trained from a young age & belong to an AMAZING amateur dramatics company based in Finchley called 'Impact Theatre Company' - www.impacttheatre.org
For the past 10 years (give or take a few shows) I have fulfilled my performance potential & loved every minute of it, with this fabulous & talented group of people, with this year being no exception.
To my delight I received an email from the director telling us that our next show which will be in March next year, with auditions & rehearsals to start in September is going to be.......... "Grease"!!!!!!!!!! Now to some of you this might mean nothing, I hear you saying what's the big deal? But to those of you who know me well will understand this is a VERRRRY big deal, HUGE!!! Years of pent up Pink Ladies syndrome bubbling underneath the surface since the very first time I laid my eyes on John Travolta & Olivia Newton John in that 80's classic.. So to say I am beyond excited is an understatement. Plus I have something to focus on & to be completely healed & physically fit for.
I have also joined 'Tonights the Night' charity committee, who in conjunction with 'Future Dreams' -www.futuredreams.org.uk another charity close to my heart, both who do fantastic work to raise money for Breakthrough Breast Cancer, are taking on the fund raising aspect of the show, & together we are going to make lots of money, spread awareness & help strive towards a future without breast cancer!!!
Last but by no means least on Wednesday my gorgeous divine little chap turned 2 & we had a fab party for him at the weekend, with balloons, cake, presents, wonderful friends & the hugely talented Natasha @ Hartbeeps - www.hartbeeps.com who kept the littlens' & mummies gloriously entertained! Anyone who's thinking of having a birthday soon (obviously under the age of 5) you must book her!!! natasha@heartbeeps.com
As you can see I must be improving, but I'm going to carry on blogging, so please lovely people keep reading & sharing as this helps so many, but don't forget.....
IT IS ALL ABOUT ME!!!!! ;)
Friday, 18 January 2013
Pamela Anderson eat your heart out....
Friday 4th Jan 2013 the date my life changed forever. I wasn't a Cancer patient in the truest sense anymore. I had just undergone a skin sparing double mastectomy & reconstruction.
After a 4 hour operation + 1hr in recovery I'm back in my room, I can hear talking, mobile phone ringing, I'm not really with it, I've had an awful lot of anaesthetic, it's going to take a while to get over this.
I don't remember waking up in any pain, just a bit sore where the 2 drains are attached to me draining fluid, no bandages just plasters over the stitches on each breast. Mum says all has been a success & the surgeon is very pleased. There were no cells in my lymph nodes which is fantastic news, it means nothing has spread, will have to wait for results of the rest but he seemed confident everything removed was clear but they have to test just to be 100% sure.
Now to follow 4 days of pain & pills, nurses & nightmares, sleeping & sobbing.. Extensive menus I had to fill out for meals which I couldn't eat, husband & mum bored out of their heads sitting next to me day & night, flowers, balloons, presents, phone calls, a few friends visits, then it was time to leave.
Back at my mums pretty much the same routine without the remote controlled bed & the button for room service.. still mum & husband doing a pretty good job running up & down the stairs, just without a uniform!
Few days in & the pain though not so intense has becomes more of an ache & a sore tender swollen sensation (which is still there 2 weeks later), mainly under my right arm where the lymph nodes were removed. Thus coupled with 2 big heavy alien mounds planted on my chest, life has proven to be very uncomfortable, & hence why it's taken so long to type this latest blog, that & my mental state of mind (will get to that in a min).. Plus the more I do the more it hurts, but with a 2 year old around it's hard not to pick up toys, or change a nappy. Unfortunately pain killers don't really help so I kicked them & just took paracetamol.
The worst bit was the crying constantly, I couldn't stop, I know the anaesthetic is partly to blame, but this was more than drugs messing with my head, this was deep rooted realisation & shock.. I hadn't prepared myself for all of this, the pain, the feelings I would encounter after the op, the questions I had, the boobs themselves especially the right one with no nipple! The overall general feeling sorry for myself.
Why was I feeling sorry for myself when I had survived this thing? There were so many people worse off than me who never had the chance to be at this point in the journey. It was an endless cycle of being cross and angry with myself, beating myself up for not pulling myself together, sobbing to mum, husband, friends, I needed to get a grip!
It's 2 weeks today, I've been back to see my surgeon twice & he's happy with my healing, the results back from the lab were clear, no further treatment needed. The crying has subsided apart from the odd sniffle in the bath or getting undressed & I am faced with them. Anyone who thinks as I did that you would have magnificent boobs after breast reconstruction due to breast cancer is naive. I had convinced myself that this was my 'gift with purchase', my 'silver lining' for going through it all. Reality is, they will never be perfect, but they will be ok because they will have to be, they're the only boobs I've got & they're cancer-free. I'm not going to lie, it's the most horrific, mentally challenging, saddest thing that I've ever had to experience, & my journey isn't even half way yet, but it's a hell of a lot better than the alternative!
A word of advice if you are considering this route, do not envision Pamela Anderson, Elle MacPherson or any other perfectly chested woman you know.. Keep your expectations realistic, & be grateful that you are able to have reconstructive surgery, & that you're alive!! Be thankful for family, friends, faith & health. Try to stay strong, tough & brave - you will get through it.
After a 4 hour operation + 1hr in recovery I'm back in my room, I can hear talking, mobile phone ringing, I'm not really with it, I've had an awful lot of anaesthetic, it's going to take a while to get over this.
I don't remember waking up in any pain, just a bit sore where the 2 drains are attached to me draining fluid, no bandages just plasters over the stitches on each breast. Mum says all has been a success & the surgeon is very pleased. There were no cells in my lymph nodes which is fantastic news, it means nothing has spread, will have to wait for results of the rest but he seemed confident everything removed was clear but they have to test just to be 100% sure.
Now to follow 4 days of pain & pills, nurses & nightmares, sleeping & sobbing.. Extensive menus I had to fill out for meals which I couldn't eat, husband & mum bored out of their heads sitting next to me day & night, flowers, balloons, presents, phone calls, a few friends visits, then it was time to leave.
Back at my mums pretty much the same routine without the remote controlled bed & the button for room service.. still mum & husband doing a pretty good job running up & down the stairs, just without a uniform!
Few days in & the pain though not so intense has becomes more of an ache & a sore tender swollen sensation (which is still there 2 weeks later), mainly under my right arm where the lymph nodes were removed. Thus coupled with 2 big heavy alien mounds planted on my chest, life has proven to be very uncomfortable, & hence why it's taken so long to type this latest blog, that & my mental state of mind (will get to that in a min).. Plus the more I do the more it hurts, but with a 2 year old around it's hard not to pick up toys, or change a nappy. Unfortunately pain killers don't really help so I kicked them & just took paracetamol.
The worst bit was the crying constantly, I couldn't stop, I know the anaesthetic is partly to blame, but this was more than drugs messing with my head, this was deep rooted realisation & shock.. I hadn't prepared myself for all of this, the pain, the feelings I would encounter after the op, the questions I had, the boobs themselves especially the right one with no nipple! The overall general feeling sorry for myself.
Why was I feeling sorry for myself when I had survived this thing? There were so many people worse off than me who never had the chance to be at this point in the journey. It was an endless cycle of being cross and angry with myself, beating myself up for not pulling myself together, sobbing to mum, husband, friends, I needed to get a grip!
It's 2 weeks today, I've been back to see my surgeon twice & he's happy with my healing, the results back from the lab were clear, no further treatment needed. The crying has subsided apart from the odd sniffle in the bath or getting undressed & I am faced with them. Anyone who thinks as I did that you would have magnificent boobs after breast reconstruction due to breast cancer is naive. I had convinced myself that this was my 'gift with purchase', my 'silver lining' for going through it all. Reality is, they will never be perfect, but they will be ok because they will have to be, they're the only boobs I've got & they're cancer-free. I'm not going to lie, it's the most horrific, mentally challenging, saddest thing that I've ever had to experience, & my journey isn't even half way yet, but it's a hell of a lot better than the alternative!
A word of advice if you are considering this route, do not envision Pamela Anderson, Elle MacPherson or any other perfectly chested woman you know.. Keep your expectations realistic, & be grateful that you are able to have reconstructive surgery, & that you're alive!! Be thankful for family, friends, faith & health. Try to stay strong, tough & brave - you will get through it.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Goodbye boobs...
This is weird, I'm at my mums in my old bed, last time I was here was the night before my wedding, also with a feeling of anxious anticipation, but obviously much much happier about the impending day ahead & not silently praying that all will be ok..
Saying goodbye to my little boy was the hardest thing ever, I practically sobbed the whole way in the car, it's not the leaving him, that I've done lots of times, but the thought that... well let's not even go there!
I have to be at the hospital by 7am, around 8 i'll be taken somewhere for a Sentinel Lymph Node Biopsy, & then the operation is at 11, it should take a couple of hours, an hour in recovery & back in my room by 3pm.
So before I try & get some sleep, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all my wonderful family & friends for their unconditional love & support. It's because of you all that I'm able to face this journey with courage, faith & humour.
To everyone reading & sharing my blog, a huge thanks as you are helping to raise awareness, and strive towards a future free from the fear of Breast Cancer.
Goodnight everyone & see you on the other side!
Saying goodbye to my little boy was the hardest thing ever, I practically sobbed the whole way in the car, it's not the leaving him, that I've done lots of times, but the thought that... well let's not even go there!
I have to be at the hospital by 7am, around 8 i'll be taken somewhere for a Sentinel Lymph Node Biopsy, & then the operation is at 11, it should take a couple of hours, an hour in recovery & back in my room by 3pm.
So before I try & get some sleep, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all my wonderful family & friends for their unconditional love & support. It's because of you all that I'm able to face this journey with courage, faith & humour.
To everyone reading & sharing my blog, a huge thanks as you are helping to raise awareness, and strive towards a future free from the fear of Breast Cancer.
Goodnight everyone & see you on the other side!
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